So, you guessed it. On my official test date, I got a Big F**king Negative.

This was a few weeks ago now. I can’t even remember it, really. I just know that I’d had a line on a home pregnancy test a few days before, and now I didn’t.

And then my period came a couple of days after. Horrible, painful, heavy, depressing.

But the weird thing is, I actually feel OK after cycle two. I’m actually so proud of myself. After my first cycle, I was utterly floored. It’s not like I expected it to work, exactly. But I was so gutted, I can’t tell you.

This time, perhaps frighteningly, I’m just accepting it. It was a better experience, truth be told. We got more eggs. I had two transferred (with the potential of twins!). They tried to implant!

But, ultimately, it failed. Again.

I am sad, don’t get me wrong. I’ve just spent the last hour uploading the blog entries I wrote during the latter part of the cycle – I couldn’t bear to do it before now – and it’s not great to read through. But I’m not crying myself to sleep every night. I did for a few days, but not any more.

So what next? Well, I have a follow-up appointment with Jessop’s at the beginning of November – a month from now. Yes, it’s a bit of a wait, but I welcome that space, to be honest.

And we’ll go again, probably at Jessop’s, who were great throughout. Although the lack of close monitoring (i.e. no scans before day 8) is a frustration to me, so I want to talk them about that. But they’re so busy, I don’t think they have time to give anyone the kind of treatment perhaps the private clinics can provide.

What else? I’ve started running again, and would like to get back into shape over the next few months. At least my swollen ovaries have gone down, so I have less of a belly. 

I’ve also got a new job (same company, different team), which is stressing me out so much more than IVF that it’s probably the perfect distraction from all of this. 

And, finally, I’ve bought the Headspace app, which I hope will bring a little calmness to my life and help me stop getting trapped in negative thinking cycles (I may be a tiny bit prone to this…).

It’s a wet and cold day in Windsor today – Autumn seems to have arrived for sure. How apt!

Hey, I'm Caroline. Thanks for visiting my site!

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