7wks – what an up and down week it’s been to get to this point. I can’t believe I’m now at the seven-week mark. And I have big news. I was actually sick today. In the morning. I do believe that’s what’s called morning sickness! Proper pregnancy symptoms right here! A wave of nausea came over me at 8:30am, and I had to dash to the toilet and I was sick for the first time in years. It was horrible, of course, but over quickly and then I soon went about my day as normal.
Nothing else to report really, apart from little appetite. I had a bowl of cornflakes for lunch – I’ve not had cornflakes in YEARS! So anything bland and easy on the stomach is in, and anything like fish or eggs or yoghurt is out. Shame as I like all those things, normally! Instead, I’m craving fruit and sugar. I stocked up on oranges and grapes at the shop this afternoon – even a mango. I wonder if sickness will hit every morning now?
7+1 – felt lousy most of the day. Little appetite (except for McDonald’s at lunchtime :-O), nasty metallic taste in mouth and tired out. But no sickness. I travelled into London by train and was so nervous about throwing up and what I’d do, but nothing. Daft as it sounds, I’m disappointed. Not that I want to be sick again, but the nausea gives me hope. This evening I’m massively bloated, seemingly on my left-hand side. Again, I started panicking it’s ectopic… gah! Viability scan tomorrow. Let’s see what happens then. Wish us luck.
7+2 – so I’d love to be updating this with a ‘Whoopee! Everything’s on track!’ but I’m afraid it’s not that cut and dry. Yes, we went to the viability scan today. Yes, there was a heartbeat. So far, so bloody good, right? Kinda. The embryo is measuring small. The sonographer said ‘6w+5’ and my heart sank – that’s four days off. She checked again, and said ‘OK, I concede: 6w+6.’ Which makes it three days off… but first of all, she said ‘6w+5’ – that’s some way off. And it’s not like this is a natural pregnancy. It’s IVF. We know what the dates are.
So I just feel totally in limbo. I’d hoped the scan would confirm yay or nay, either way. But this, I didn’t expect. Does this mean the embryo’s growth is slowing down? When the first foetus died in April, was it like this? Although last time, the baby measured spot on at six weeks and eight. It stopped growing around nine and a half. But is this one deteriorating early? Am I continuing to dose myself up with horrible pessaries of progesterone and tablet oestrogen every five minutes to be told at the 12 week scan it was all for nothing?
I could cry, but what good would it do? I wish we’d never had this scan. Now we have to decide whether to ride it out until the 12 week scan (if we even get there) or have another in a couple of weeks. What do you think? I suppose we’ll just play it by ear. No matter how many private scans we pay out for, it won’t change the course of fate. Either next May, we’re going to have a baby, or we’re not. Part of me just thinks wait and see.
I’m going to call the GP tomorrow to get a midwife appointment. I wish I could be more excited.
7+3/4 – not a lot to report other than I felt I was coming down with flu yesterday, but today I feel a bit better. I’m having to force myself to eat – all I want is fruit at the moment, or bland carbs. My calorie intake must have reduced by a third, which is lucky as I’m not doing any exercise at the moment. I’m also so tired, my new bedtime is 8:30pm! (Although it’s the Great British Bake Off today, so I’ll make an exception…)
Also, a strange thing happened today. I got a call from our private scanning place today asking for feedback on our Sunday scan. Now I didn’t bother boring you with the details about it above, but our experience wasn’t great. We were delayed by almost 45 minutes, the sonographer had to start the scan again part way through and we didn’t find out the heartbeat rate. We also had to go before the report was written, so we didn’t even get any photos. So I told the person who rang me, who offered us a free scan, which I am super happy about (every lining and all). So that’ll be in a week’s time. EEK.
7+5-8+2 – well the nausea seems to have gone away and I’m left with that horrible yucky feeling again. Yesterday was Saturday, and I could barely do anything I felt so rubbish and utterly exhausted. I didn’t even leave the house, I felt so lazy. But the lack of nausea is worrying me a lot. I don’t understand how I’ve gone to throwing up a week ago to now, nothing. Morning sickness isn’t supposed to peak until nine weeks, or even later. I am worried, although I have sore (.)(.), no spotting for about a week and I’m still experiencing food aversions. Next scan is on Tuesday, which I hope will show us at 8+4, or at least 8+1, in line with the last scan.
8+4 – I’m writing at 8+5, so yesterday was my second viability scan. And I am relieved to say it was fine. More than fine! Although I don’t want to get excited. We saw a strong heartbeat, and the baby – which looked baby-shaped now – moving around. We’ve never seen that before, movement – not even last time at the eight-week scan. So it was such a relief, and I felt emotional actually, more so than at any other scan.
It’s such a shame I can’t get really excited, though. I’m just so aware that last time, that baby’s heart stopped beating around 9+2, so I’m so scared the same thing will happen again. The sonographer said: ‘after eight weeks, there’s only a 3% chance of miscarriage’, which for most people would be enough reassurance. But unfortunately we were part of the 3% last time, so it’s hard to read too much into it. What if there’s an issue with me, which prevents the placenta from growing? Or there’s a chromosomal issue with my eggs that means growth stops around this time? Or perhaps it was just one of those things, last time, as many women experience.
I SO want to get excited. To start planning for the future. But even just writing that, I have to stop myself. I won’t get excited yet. Next milestone is the 12-week scan, which is going to be in the next three weeks or so. If that’s all good, then I want to get a gender scan privately at 16 weeks. I think if that’s OK, then I’ll tell people at work (although I have told my new boss. I figured whichever way it goes, she needs to know). Before then, I think I might keep quiet. One of my good friends had a miscarriage at 18 weeks, which haunts me. The fear will probably always be there.
See what happens next.