It’s been a week since I found out my first IVF cycle failed. And what a horrible week it’s been.
I mean, it wasn’t the biggest surprise when I got my period 9dp5dt. The day before I was getting tummy pains, and then a bit of brown discharge (sorry, TMI). So I kinda knew it was coming. But when you realise it’s actually over – that the last four weeks of injections and waiting and procedures and tears have been for nothing – it’s a real bitter blow.
That morning I cried and cried. I was staying at my in-laws that weekend, and it was the last place I wanted to be. They were completely lovely, and actually in a way it was nice to be with people you love and love you. But really, all I wanted to do was crawl under the duvet and never come out again.
I was lucky to have booked the Monday off work in advance, so I had two days to get my head around the fact that we hadn’t got pregnant this time round. But it wasn’t enough. When it came to Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a truck, utterly exhausted and empty, so I worked from home. And that helped.
So how do you get over cycle no.1? I’d say give yourself time. Gradually, over the last week, I’ve been feeling better, bit by bit. But I’ve really looked after myself. I’ve cancelled social visits, slept heaps and kept a journal. I also got a good hair cut and a manicure. And watched Made in Chelsea back to back all Friday night while my husband was out. Utter bliss.
I’ve also started making plans. We’re looking at options for IVF no. 2, and it feels good to be moving forward rather than mourning what could have been. I also plan to get my body back into shape, which should help make me feel more energetic and better about myself generally.
And I’ve got myself a new hobby – writing this blog. I know I need the distraction, a new focus as well as an outlet to get me through the next few months. And if I can connect with other like-minded souls, all the better.
Yes, I’ve cried, and felt utterly depleted. And still do to some degree. But I’m feeling better, day by day, and that’s definitely a good sign.