Different coloured pencils in a line that goes up and down

Now I’m passed the two week wait and got a positive on a home pregnancy test, the next stage begins. The waiting. The constant knicker checking. The (.)(.) prodding. The googling. The count-downing. Here we go:

13dp5dt – nothing much to report. A few twinges down below, a little bit of cramping, and sensitive (.)(.), although the latter is sporadic. Slight nausea throughout the day, although I sometimes wonder if I’m imagining it!

14dp5dt – it was two weeks today that we had our transfer. It seems a life time ago. Slight nausea feeling again. And had weird dreams last night. I woke up in the middle of the night from a particularly vivid one, and so am pretty tired today.

As the day has progressed, I’ve felt increasingly nauseous. It’s such a weird feeling for me, as I rarely ever feel sick. It’s still only quite mild, but I feel yuck, and have a metallic taste in my mouth. I also have a headache and am really lethargic.

But I’m quietly happy. Last time round, I really didn’t feel anything much apart from tiredness, hunger (absolute gnawing hunger) and itchy feet every now and then. I prayed for sickness, because it’s a sign things are on track. Everyone said ‘be careful what you wish for’, and I know what they were saying, but at the same time this is hugely reassuring.

15dp5dt – Started the day feeling great – well rested, no nausea. But it crept up on me throughout the morning and by lunchtime I felt really ‘off’. I went out to lunch with friends from work (this was my colleague who was three weeks more pregnant than me when I had my MMC earlier in the year – it was her leaving do before she goes on maternity leave) and I could have not eaten, I had no appetite. Instead I just picked at my food, but eating seemed to help. In the evening I went out for dinner with my husband and, again, I felt queasy. I can’t believe I’m experiencing these symptoms so early! I didn’t expect it.

16dp5dt (5w) – digital test day. Woke up about 3:30am absolutely busting for the loo but knew I had to keep it in for my digital test. My husband had set his alarm for 4:20am as he’s off to climb Scarfell Pike (highest mountain in England) today, so I tested with FMU with a Clear Blue Digital (CBD). I said to myself: all I want to see is ‘2-3 weeks’ on the indicator, but wondered whether it might be ‘3+ weeks’ because of my symptoms…

The test showed ‘pregnant’ – phew – but seemed to take ages for the weeks part. But eventually, ‘2-3 weeks’ flashed up. However, rather than feeling relieved, I started thinking: shouldn’t it be ‘3+ weeks’? I’m five weeks along today, so – theoretically – I should be on the cusp of the ‘3+ week’ mark. My husband was so thrilled, and here I am worrying, despite having symptoms and a positive test result showing what it should!

From what I’ve googled, women hate the CBD test and it can lead to all sorts of upset and confusion. So I’m going to leave it well alone for now. Although I do have one more left, which I’ll use in a week’s time to make sure things are on track. At six weeks, it should definitely show ‘3+ weeks’ so next week is critical. But of course every week is now. But for the moment, I am definitely pregnant!

5w+1 – mild nausea most of the day with horrid taste in my mouth. My (.)(.) feel full rather than sore. Lost my appetite a bit. Super tired by the end of the day. Scared I’m in so deep already with this pregnancy. I keep googling forums, and these women going through the ups and downs of the first 12 weeks of pregnancy and I just pray I’m one of the lucky ones who survives the viability and 12 week scan.

Two weeks isn’t long in the grand scheme, but my viability scan feels like a lifetime away. Luckily I have one week left of work (although it’s going to be full-on as a lot of my colleagues are leaving following redundancy next Friday, including my boss) and then I’m away to the seaside with my family for a few days. That’ll help eat into the time! Isn’t it awful – I’m just counting down the days, but I’ll be so anxious for that scan. However, if I keep feeling nauseous, at least I’m sort of on track.

5w+2 – (PM) Spotting. Can’t believe it. A tiny bit of brown in my panty liner around 5:00pm, and then more in a fresh panty-liner half an hour later. I have stomach cramps, quite high up. I still have a bad taste in my mouth but no nausea really today. (.)(.) not really sensitive. Feel like it’s going wrong. Just can’t BELIEVE I’m spotting, which is reminiscent of last time with the MMC.

I’d hoped and prayed I wouldn’t have it this time as it was a bad sign last time… but today it’s started, and now I feel this pregnancy is doomed. I just want to crawl in a ball and hide under the duvet but my parents are here from Sheffield, so I must go down and put on a brave face. What a failure it’ll all have been if I miscarry now. All my hopes are fading. I feel like a fool to ever have dreamt it would have been OK this time round.

5w+3 – Was on knicker-watch all day, waiting for my period to come. It didn’t, thank goodness. I had a small amount of browny discharge, and a bit of watery brown when I wiped (sorry, TMI), but nothing more dramatic. My mood was super low all day, though. My expectations of this pregnancy have now fallen through the floor. I am having premonitions of getting to the 12-week scan like last time and finding no heartbeat…

I came back from work last night, full of negativity, and decided to go for a run – burn off that excess energy. I was quite angry as I ran. I said to myself: come on, if you’re going to miscarry! Get on with it. I absolutely refuse to sit at home, scared stiff about losing it. This time round, I will keep exercising, because I do not want to reach 12 weeks, for it all to go wrong, and to feel as horrible as I did with the missed miscarriage earlier in the year.

5w+4 – Checked my pantyliner first thing. Some watery pink, but not enough to concern me. I’m sure this happened last time around week five. A little bit of spotting, just to keep me concerned, every now and then. I just wish I could get my nausea back, crazy as it sounds. (.)(.) do still feel sensitive (they’ve been so off and on it’s ridiculous) so I think I’m still in the game. I’m going to do another Clear Blue Digital on Friday (it’s now Tuesday) so if it doesn’t read ‘3 weeks+’ I’ll know it’s over. For now, I’m still pregnant.

5w+5 – Nothing in my pantyliner this morning, but this lunchtime I’m spotting a little bit again. Had hoped it had gone away, but seems to be lingering. What could it be? Is it the beginning of the end? Is my progesterone slowing down the miscarriage process?

I have no nausea like this time last week, and no metallic taste in mouth. (.)(.) are so-so. I did feel quite yucky this morning but it was different to nausea – more a bit sick, but not, and it’s not progressed. I know, I know – it’s early days, it may kick in. But why would I have nausea and then it go again? This all started when I began spotting as well. I mean, not a great sign, huh?

Just one more day to go before I do my second CBD test – I know, they’re awful, and if it shows ‘2-3 weeks’ I’ll be so gutted. But I’m hoping it will say ‘3 weeks+’, I can stop spotting, I can start being sick and everything will be alright again! Yes?

(PM) Twinges down below have started, like a throbbing in my vagina. It’s like I’m about to come on my period. I feel so defeated, I just want to cry. But then what’s the point? It won’t change anything. At least if I miscarry, it’ll be sooner rather than later. But on the other hand, I google the forums and it would seem lots of women around the five and six week mark feel the same. But they’re not all spotting!

My husband says we should just do the CBD tomorrow, so I might have to cave in. Put me out of my misery (unless, of course, it still says ‘2-3 weeks’ in which case I know a small bit of me will cling on to the hope that it might still happen. Which will be ridiculous.)

5w+6 – I did it, the CBD. And it showed ‘3 weeks+’ thank goodness! Literally still pumped with adrenalin. I’d been dreaming of peeing on sticks, misplacing different ones, not knowing whether I was still pregnant or not. And then when I checked my pantyliner this morning, there was yet more pinky brown spotting. But (.)(.) are sensitive again and the stick says I’m at the right point. Feeling hugely relieved. Hoping now for some more symptoms so I can relax a bit more. Next milestone: viability scan.

6 weeks – I’ve had the hardest day. A load (and I mean a load) of my colleagues have left my work today as part of a restructure, so I’ve had a super difficult day. This has really not been helped by me… wait for it… feeling actually nauseous. I can’t believe it. Six weeks on the dot and I’m getting proper symptoms, which I didn’t think I’d be ‘lucky’ enough to feel. But I’ve felt totally rotten, to the point where I can understand now the ‘be careful what you wish for’ comment. As well as nausea, I’ve been extremely emotional and on the verge of tears all day. BUT, this is the most positive I’ve felt about the pregnancy so far. Nausea is a good sign and I’m feeling it! Maybe this time I’m going to be lucky after all – maybe this is our time.

Find out what happened next.

Hey, I'm Caroline. Thanks for visiting my site!

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