I’m 19+2 today, and am feeling really anxious about our 20-week scan next week. I don’t think I’ll ever feel relaxed about these scans. I told a couple of friends on Friday about being so nervous, and they were like ‘But why? It’ll be fine!’ and I thought, you just don’t know that.
I remember driving to our 12-week scan, with our first pregnancy, and feeling anxious but knowing the chances of anything going wrong was minuscule. If you think there’s a 1% or 2% chance of finding out bad news, I weighed up the odds in my head and felt more excited than worried. And then we got bad news, and all the joy of pregnancy got forever replaced by the constant fear of hearing the worst.
Anyway, this is another pregnancy, and all was good at my second 12-week scan this time around. We’ve had no signs that anything is wrong at all. Two months on and my belly is getting bigger, although there’s barely a bump to speak of. I suppose the fear comes from a lack of movement. I think I’ve felt flutters, but I couldn’t tell you for sure hand on heart. But I know it’s early days.
My husband isn’t making it easy, either. He was feeling my belly this morning, pressing down to try and provoke a reaction. And he’s as bad as me, googling everything from ’19 weeks small bump’ to ’19 weeks no movement’. It’s making him really anxious, and it’s rubbing off on me too. I woke up this morning with a sore jaw, which is a tell-tale sign I’m super stressed.
I know there’s no point in us getting worked up, and bad vibes won’t be helping the baby. But when you’ve struggled with infertility and experienced a missed miscarriage as we have, it’s hard to stop the dark thoughts. Anyway, we only have four more days to wait, and then we’ll know. Hopefully we’ll see a healthy, wiggly baby on the monitor, with everything as it should be, and walk away with relief, and hope in our hearts.
Plus, if all goes well, we’ll finally know the baby’s sex! Will it be the boy I massively suspect it is (Big Nub, as we call him) or are we going to get the shock of our lives by finding out we’re expecting a girl? Just thinking about this is getting me excited again. I went through a period of getting a bit down about the idea of having a boy, as I would so like a girl… now I don’t care. I want a healthy baby – either flavour will do!
Fingers crossed we get the good news that all is well – the best Christmas present we could ever wish for.