Pink gun with sweets coming out

I’m officially past my 2WW, and am pregnant, apparently. But I have no idea how long this is gonna last with disappearing symptoms and faint pregnancy test lines galore.

And with my GP refusing to do me a blood test to check my beta levels, and GENNET being a rather long way away in Prague, all I can do is sit out the next couple of weeks until the six-week viability scan.

Here’s my latest daily update:

11DP4DT – I woke up in the middle of the night, and instantly checked my (.)(.) for symptoms, as I seem to do pretty regularly now, day and night. And they weren’t sensitive at all. No sore nipples, no heaviness, no fullness. Absolutely normal, like pre-pregnancy.

OMG, I thought. I went to sleep pregnant, and now I am not.

I no longer felt pregnant. My pregnancy bubble had burst. 

I barely slept, obviously. I spent most of the night chastising myself for ever believing IVF could work for us and for daring to dream. Strange thing is I didn’t feel upset about it; more numb. 

Of course we wouldn’t be in the 75% of people who go on to have a healthy baby following their positive pregnancy test. How stupid of me for thinking we would. We’ve always been in the minority when it comes to IVF, so why should I expect our luck to change now?

At 6am, I dragged myself to the loo to do another Superdrug test to confirm the worst. The second line came up fairly quickly, to be honest, but it was still faint like yesterday’s, despite this being the first urine of the day. And surely, I thought, even if the embryo had stopped developing overnight, it would still show positive and take a few days for the line to fade.

I came upstairs to break the news to my husband. ‘It’s not worked,’ I said. ‘I don’t have any pregnancy symptoms any more, and the line isn’t getting darker.’

I showed him the test. He obviously looked shellshocked, and tried to reason with me. ‘Those Superdrug tests are rubbish,’ he said, ‘and the line is still there. As long as there’s a line, you’re pregnant. In fact, it looks darker to me.’

On reflection, the line did look a slight touch darker than the one yesterday, but surely it should be darker than that? It measures 20muL of HCG. At this stage, 15DPO, I should apparently be measuring way over 100. So surely it’d be super dark, like my FRER had been the day before?

Anyway, I left for work feeling tired and bewildered, but noticed my (.)(.) were a bit more sensitive, which was encouraging. And throughout the day, I’ve become incredibly bloated. Like the worst I’ve been, even immediately after egg-collection. And there’s been no spotting, despite period-like pains. 

So I’ve ended the day a bit more positive. But I am really on the fence about whether this is going to work. I’ve promised myself I won’t test again until Saturday, which is the day GENNET has asked for an update. If I’ve not started bleeding by then, and I’ve still got a second line on the Superdrug test, then we might be in with a chance.

12DP4DT – I feel utterly exhausted. I was walking home today from work and it was like I was having an out of body experience. Every step was an effort, I was hot and flustered, and I even felt faint and dizzy. I had to have a sit-down as soon as I got in, and have spent most of the evening laying on the couch in a daze.

I’m really glad I’m feeling this way because, along with my sore (.)(.) and lack of anything untoward, it means the pregnancy is still ‘on’, at least in my mind. But I can’t trust it’s going to happen. I want to get excited and feel positive, and I do a bit, but then there’s always a nagging voice in my head that it’s going to end badly.

One thing has made me feel better though. I did a search on Superdrug pregnancy tests and came across some reviews for the one I took (not the super sensitive test, which is supposed to be great). And they were SO scathing. The long and short is do not take this test. Loads of people have had false positives, invalid results (like mine) and lines that don’t get dark. I’m taking my faint-ish line from yesterday with a large pinch of salt.

So now I’m holding out for Saturday (two days’ time) to retest. I’ve got an expensive Clearblue digital test somewhere in a cupboard, a FRER and I’ll use one of my remaining Superdrug tests (just cos it’s there) to see how it compares to this week’s other two. Just one more day to get through…

Please let me continue with my symptoms, which randomly include – as well as a stuffy nose, which I’ve mentioned before – foot cramps, and itchy soles of feet. I’ve had these for about four days now, and they only come on in the evening. They’re so weird and annoying, but also super comforting. Long may they continue!

13DP4DT – nothing new to report today other than having the mother of all migraines come on around 8pm, which wiped me out for the rest of the evening. ‘Yes,’ I thought, through my blurred vision. ‘Surely a good sign!’

14DP4DT – it’s Saturday, and GENNET’s official test date (14 days post egg transfer). And I am delighted to report I am still pregnant! I tested first thing this morning with the Clearblue, which confirmed I am a) preggers and b) 2-3 weeks gone.

I didn’t use a Superdrug test as well, because I don’t want to stress out in case it doesn’t show a darker line than before, and I don’t have a FRER. So I’m just going with the Clearblue. Basically, 2-3 weeks pregnant equates to 4-5 weeks. I am currently four weeks and four days, so that’s spot on.

Yay for now! Again, me and my husband have dared ourselves to dream. We laid in bed talking about the stuff we’d need to do to the house to get it ready for a baby (new boiler, kitchen/bathroom). The car we would need to buy (we only have a two-seater), the prams we’d need to research (who knew they were so expensive?!)

Anyway… back to earth. Next steps. First, relax a bit. Second, attend the doctor’s appointment in four days’ time. And third, book a viability scan for week six (nine days’ time). And pray my itchy feet, sore (.)(.), nasal congestion and tiredness continue!

Still so early, and so many hurdles, but still in the game :-).

15DP4DT – had a lazy Sunday morning in bed while my husband went running in Windsor Great Park. Feel like a fat, bloated slob with no energy whatsoever. Forced myself to walk into town to get some shopping, but mostly slobbed around today feeling lethargic and slothful.

Actually wiled away a LOT of time on a fantastic forum thread which has over 1,000 comments from a group of women started a couple of years ago. It documents their journey from my stage now (barely pregnant) all the way through to them having their scans, finding out the sex of their babies and birth, and all the highs and lows in between.

The forum lurking taught me a few things… 1) you never stop worrying about something going wrong. Every woman on there panicked about twinges, cramps, lack of symptoms, all the way through their pregnancies. It’s all normal, and will not go away. 2) how supportive groups of women can be to one another. It’s made me want to join a forum. I feel quite alone at the moment. And 3) how quickly nine (or eight) months flies by. Yes, there are agonising waits, but – in the grand scheme of things – it’ll be over before you know.

Booked my viability scan a week tomorrow. Literally cannot wait and don’t know how I will make it through this next week. Luckily I have a few distractions, such as my GP appointment on Wednesday and I’m in London Thursday for a training course. Gotta keep busy and not dwell on the ifs and buts… easier said than done!

5wks – woke up at 2:30am to a horrible dream, checked my (.)(.) and they’d lost sensitivity. Again. But this is the third time I’ve noticed this happen at night, and it’s always come back, so tried to put it to the back of my mind.

In the morning proper, I checked again. (.)(.) were reasonably sensitive. Tick. Then went to the loo and noticed (TMI warning) a kind of greyish discharge as opposed to the normal white that I typically get after using the pessaries. This freaked me out. Why was it darker than normal? If I were neurotic (who, me?!) I could have convinced myself it was blood-tinged, and then worried about it all day, checking my pants like a mad woman every half an hour or so…

I also felt less… pregnant today. I thought, because I’m now at five weeks, I’d start getting proper symptoms like morning sickness or sensitivity of smell. The embryo is doing loads of growing this week – from an apple seed to a pea, apparently! But not a bit of it. I felt less bloated and more energetic today than I did all last week. Although now I’m home from work, I do feel super tired and bloated again, so again I’m relieved.

Up and down like a flipping rollercoaster, isn’t it?

5+1 – hubby was up all night being sick! So bizarre – should that not be me?! Luckily I feel fine and am giving him a wide berth in case I catch anything.

Had more cervical mucus tinged with brown/pink this morning. Started worrying of course, but what can I do? I’ve decided to just think ‘There’s nothing I can do about the outcome of this pregnancy, and what will be will be.’ It actually does help.

Busy old day at work. Feeling less tired during the day, but pretty knackered in the evenings. I was asleep at 9:30pm yesterday, and think I’ll be in bed even earlier today. Got hubby sleeping in the spare bedroom. Don’t need this sickness bug complicating everything.

Every day is one day closer. I have though entered the realms of miscarriage calculators this evening. This one calculates the likelihood based on how far along you are, your age, height, weight and previous history. According to the website, I am 80.9% likely not to have a miscarriage…. but that still means almost 20% chance of having one 🙁

It then gives you options of ‘reassure me’ or ‘give it to me straight’. If you hit the reassure button, it says: By the time you wake up tomorrow, the probability of your pregnancy ending in miscarriage will have decreased 4.2%, from 19.1% to 18.3%. If I click the other button, it says: Miscarriage rate: 19.1%. Ugh!!!

5+2 – I went to the doctor’s today, which was a complete waste of time. I was in and out in one minute. I told her I was pregnant, she asked me if I had an early scan booked in. I said yes, next Monday (at six weeks exactly). She said if it’s all OK, to call the surgery and book straight in with the midwife between eight and 10 weeks. And that was it. I don’t think she even made any notes on her computer.

Came home and worked hard all afternoon. I keep saying it, but work is such a great distraction, even though it’s super busy. I then began to notice I felt a little nauseous. If I didn’t know I was pregnant, I probably wouldn’t have thought too much about it. But I definitely felt my stomach was a bit churned up. I am so happy about this! I reckon if it’s ramped up a few knots, though, that enthusiasm will soon wane. But anything that indicates the pregnancy is still on is OK by me!

5+3 – the worst day ever. Woke up, went to the loo, pink cervical mucus. Not a lot, but it was there. This worried me, but there was nothing more the following couple of loo-trips, so I went on my way, as you do.

At lunchtime I travelled into London for a conference, and went to the loo beforehand. There was dark brown blood in my pantyliner. Not only that but, when I wiped, it was pinky brown. Like the start of a period.

I stared in disbelief. No. You cannot be serious. Not now. Not when it was going so well, and my (.)(.) still hurt, and I’d started to feel sick.

There was an hour before the conference started for ‘networking’. Fuck that, I thought, and ran outside to ring my husband. He was reasonably positive, calmed me down, told me to keep an eye on things and to meet him at the station when I came back from the conference.

I spent the rest of that hour googling variations of ‘brown pink discharge, five weeks pregnant’ in the rain to avoid going into the conference. Reading about all the hundreds of women going through the same thing as me, year after year, forum after forum – some with good outcomes, others not… it’s enough to drive you mad.

I managed to get through the conference without talking to anyone, left before the end, and got back into Windsor at 6pm. My husband and I went for something to eat (which we never normally do) and to talk. We’re supposed to be going into London tomorrow evening for his sister’s birthday. I said offhand, if things continued as they were, I wouldn’t be going.

He was so unsupportive, saying I didn’t know it was a miscarriage and it might be fine, and this was just a ‘get out of jail card’ because I didn’t want to go anyway.

I was absolutely fuming and couldn’t believe the complete lack of empathy from him. I said, I’m probably about to have a miscarriage. No, I don’t know that, but it’s not fucking normal to bleed at five weeks pregnant, no matter how many stories on the internet there are of it turning out fine.

And no, I don’t want to traipse across town to sit with his family without being able to have a drink to numb the pain, worrying sick about what might be happening, to make polite conversation and coo over his sister’s four month old baby… no, I won’t be made to feel guilty for not wanting to put myself through that tomorrow.

The daft thing is, my (.)(.) still hurt. I’m still getting itchy soles of feet and cramps. I don’t feel bloated but I am (or I have put on some serious weight in the last month). And I do feel tired out – classic pregnancy signs. I guess I still have high HCG levels, even if the embryo’s stopping developing… I suppose I’ll probably find out more tomorrow.

If I have a miscarriage, how likely is it that it’ll be tomorrow? At least it’s almost Friday and the weekend in case it does all go belly up…

5+4 – only a small bit of brownish discharge today. Feeling confused, spooked and scared, but perhaps a tiny bit more hopeful. I called my scanning place and asked if I could change my appointment to Sunday. That way, if it was bad news, I’d have the day to get my head straight.

They advised I keep the Monday appointment, because any sooner might not show anything meaningful. And, if that didn’t confirm viability, they would do another scan free of charge a week later. That’s good of them, and has made me feel a bit better.

Still have just as sore (.)(.) as ever, a bit bloated in the evening, an itchy foot and slightly blocked nose. Holding onto these symptoms to dear life.

5+5 / 5+6 – nothing to report today… in a good way! No more coloured discharge. I’m daring to dream again. Just need to get through today and tomorrow now, before the scan…

6wks – (AM) woke up in the middle of the night – (.)(.) not sensitive, but this has happened a few times now. ‘Wait till the morning’, I said to myself. SO, got up this morning, and they are still not sensitive. And today is the day of my viability scan. Am not feeling confident at all. Something’s not right. I’ve not got morning sickness, my symptoms seem to be gradually fading… I don’t think today’s going to be a good day.

(PM) what a difference a scan makes… I can’t believe it. I am definitely still pregnant! I was so sure this morning it was all over. I was convinced at the six-week mark I should be feeling sick and I was super paranoid because my (.)(.) were way less sensitive. On the way to the scan, I said to my husband, ‘don’t get excited – I don’t have a good feeling.’ The heavens opened and I was like: it’s a sign!

Anyway, the sonographer did an external scan on my belly first, which I didn’t expect (I’m used to dildo cam!). And almost immediately, she pointed out a little flicker. OMFG!!! It was funny actually, because she said something like: ‘you can see the pulsations at the top here’ after pointing out the yolk and fetal pole. My husband said: ‘is that good?’ And I’m like: ‘It’s amazing! It’s a heartbeat!’

She then asked me to empty my bladder, so I went to the loo, and guess what? Brown spotting in my pants… can you believe it? It came back. But I don’t care anymore because I had just seen the heartbeat. I told the sonographer and she was like: whatever. As long as it’s brown, it’s fine. Better out than in, she said.

So then we had dildo cam, and again, she pointed everything out, although it wasn’t much clearer than the external scan. I did notice the heartbeat didn’t seem particularly quick (I’ve seen other people’s at six weeks on YouTube that are going like the clappers) but she said this was literally the first day we would have been able to see it, and it was completely normal for six weeks. She also said if there was something amiss, she’d tell it to us straight, so that’s reassured me.

I now feel a huge sense of relief. It’s still hard to feel really excited, because it’s only six weeks and things can go wrong. BUT, what a huge milestone. I feel I can relax a bit, and really want to start enjoying the pregnancy more rather than fretting at every single twinge or cramp. (Oh, BTW, my (.)(.) are sensitive again – yahoo!)

It’s going to be a really long wait now, though. I’ve booked a midwife appointment, but that’s 29 March, when I’m nine and a half weeks. Then there’s the 12-week scan, which is six weeks away. How will I cope til then? I’m tempted to get another scan in two and a half weeks just to make sure all is OK. Apparently there are lots of cheap deals on Groupon, so I might try and get one of those. Eeek!

6+1/6+2 – nothing much to report after the excitement of Monday. I just feel calmer, less worried, not as obsessed with googling symptoms, checking my (.)(.) and knicker-watching – thank goodness. I *feel* pregnant now, although not much has physically changed from last week. Psychologically, though, I’m in a better place. I’m not experiencing a lot of nausea, but there’s definitely a bit, which is reassuring.

One of the most embarrassing things happened at work today, though. I am so bunged up, constipated and gassy that, for the first time in my professional life, I farted at work. I was in a meeting – just me and one other person – but it was pretty audible. She was polite enough not to react, but I was MORTIFIED. There was just no warning – out it came… I really hope I can control my bodily functions a bit more in the coming months!

6+3 – felt grumpy and a bit hormonal today. Work is full-on and I keep forgetting the amazing news that I’m pregnant, and have been stressing out about the minutiae of my job instead. It’s silly, because when I first found out I was pregnant, I just thought: ‘it doesn’t matter, I’ve only got seven more months of it!’ but I keep losing sight of that.

My work is the constant source of worry and stress in my life. One of the reasons I’m so happy to be pregnant is the thought of a year ‘off’. Which sounds awful, doesn’t it, but it’s true. What’s kept me going over the last couple of years when things have been awful with the whole fertility situation is the maternity leave. Now I’ve finally got it within my grasp, I mustn’t forget it, and my 2022 plan

7+5 – been a stressful week at work, which wasn’t helped by more brown spotting. I particularly freaked out yesterday when the spotting was a bit pinker and more watery. I was just about to meet a friend for lunch, went to the loo, and there it was. I was like: noooooo. I was really excited to tell my friend about the pregnancy (she knows I’ve done IVF) and swap stories, but everything’s dampened by the worry.

My friend told me that the worry never stops, which I know is likely true, but it’s nice to hear someone else say it. I told her it’s like I’m in limbo at the moment but I think I’ll feel better once I’m at the 12-week mark (which might as well be a million miles away). She said the worry does ease, but you think you’ll be satisfied at 12-weeks – which you are for a short while – and then you start stressing about the next scan!

Maybe I just need to accept that this is it for the time being. It doesn’t help that I have no bloody morning sickness. Apparently you’re less likely to miscarry if you have nausea. My friend said: just wait – in a week’s time, you’ll probably feel awful. But what if I don’t? What if the baby’s stopped growing and I just don’t realise yet… god, honestly, the thought of it all going wrong is almost too terrifying to bear.

Hey, I'm Caroline. Thanks for visiting my site!

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