It’s over. Pretty much.
Yesterday I got a positive on a pregnancy test (First Response) at seven days post egg transfer. A squinter, but definitely a line.
This morning I took a cheap test, thinking that if I was pregnant, a line would show (even though it was less sensitive than the First Response) given that it was the best wee of the day as far as he pregnancy tests go… nope. Nothing. Stark white.
And that’s why I didn’t get excited yesterday. Cos I thought, I bet you anything it was a chemical. And so it would appear to be.
Of course I couldn’t help myself, so I bought some more First Responses and tested this evening, as well as a cheap test. Again, a negative on the cheapo test, and a line – barely visible – on the other.
The line had started to fade.
And that’s when I started to cry. Because this cycle – cycle two – is going to end just like the first with nothing to show.
But do you know what? I’m upset, yes. But I’m not utterly devastated, like the first time round.
I have a few days off work next week, as I’m spending some time at the seaside with my family and husband. And that’ll be my time to grieve and reset. But then what?
I don’t want to spend the next three months trying to eat and drink perfectly, exercise stupid amounts and only think positive thoughts. I literally want to just get back to being me, without this bloody horrible cloud hanging over me, poisoning my every thought and move.
Cos my husband and I will do it again, likely in January, once Christmas is out of the way. And I plan to spend the run up drinking red wine and getting cosy under a blanket in front of a fire as the nights draw in watching Strictly Come Dancing.
Yes, I will eat healthily and exercise, as that makes me feel good. But I’m not going to go overboard. I’d like to do more weights, to tone up a bit more, and maybe get a bike and cycle into work now it’s getting colder. Perhaps even something more low-key like Pilates or yoga.
I’d like to start spending more time on being good to me. So remembering what I enjoy, and doing more of it. That means seeing friends and family more, maybe starting up a hobby (like singing lessons) and treating myself to some nice things rather than thinking ‘Oh, but I need this for IVF.’ Mint Velvet have some amazing boots and handbags this season…
I also want to book a holiday – a proper all-inclusive break – for next February/March, so I have something to really look forward to. But meanwhile, I’m about to start a new job in another team, so I’m going to give that 100% focus and effort. After all, that’s paying my IVF bills.
But what I’m looking forward to most of all is not putting stupid drugs up my bum and sticking needles in my skin. And googling symptoms and protocols and follicles. And not sitting in waiting rooms. And not crying all the frigging time cos things aren’t going my way.
Of course, there’s one more pregnancy test to go. Tomorrow – 14 days after egg collection. My official test date. And then it’s over. (SPOILER: it’s over.]
I’d better start category IVF cycle 3 on this blog…