Cup of coffee on pink spotty background

I cannot shake this sense of impending doom. During the last week, I’ve had at least three instances of brown spotting. The last time – two days ago – was enough for me to text my husband in distress, I was so worried.

Pregnancy symptoms disappearing

Since then, the spotting has eased, but the next worse thing has happened – my sensitive (.)(.) have pretty much stopped today. I still feel knackered, and even a bit nauseous this morning until I’d had a cup of tea. But where are my sore, heavy boobs that I’d come to rely on? No matter how much I prod or poke, they sit there all docile and dormant. 

I know last week I said I’d book a viability scan this week, but I was thinking: if I can just hold out… maybe until my booking-in appointment in less than two weeks… then I’ll find out when the 12-week scan is, and reassess. But this constant up and down – the spotting, the lack of symptoms – is making me super nervous. What if it’s all over before it’s begun?

The thing is, it’s already begun. I’ve been aware of my pregnancy for a month now – it’s been exactly four weeks since I got the positive test. I can’t even image what I will feel like if it all goes wrong. Of course, women lose their little ones all the time at this stage. It’s still high risk, early days. But I desperately don’t want it to be me. I will be so devastated…

A waiting game…

I just want to fast forward four weeks, to have my 12-week scan and see a tiny but perfectly formed, wiggly baby. But, more than anything, I want to be happy now. I just assumed these early stages would be hugely joyous. But instead I’m completely on edge, having a terrible time at work, struggling to sleep and feeling really quite down in the dumps. 

What I always say to myself when I feel like this is: what can I do about this situation? How can I make myself feel better? Last week, I listed out a number of things, including booking a summer holiday. I’m pleased to report, we got flights and accommodation to Malta last week for the end of June, so that’s one box ticked…

… my husband has also contacted a painter/decorator to get a quote to re-do the upstairs of our house (including what would be the baby’s room :-O) so that’s exciting. And I need to look up a local bathroom/kitchen company to come and quote to get those replaced over the summer. So lots of things to look forward to.

Practical things I can do

Meanwhile, there’s a few other easy things I can do to get myself through the next few weeks:

  1. Read more – I’ve started a book called Two Week Wait, Sarah Rayner. I’d rather be losing myself in an imaginary world than googling worst-case scenarios incessantly.
  2. Restart my gratitude jar – I began this practice at the beginning of the year, but it’s fallen by the wayside. I need to remind myself how lucky I am at this point. Which I am: massively.
  3. Treat myself – you know what, I haven’t worn nail varnish (for fertility purposes) or dyed my hair in months and months. It’s all I can do to shave my legs at the moment… I must sort this out – I feel brilliant when I have my nails done. What’s stopping me?
  4. Leave work on time – easier said than done, but I reckon I’m doing 50+ hours a week, and I get paid for 37. What a fool I am.
  5. Listen to some new music – I used to love discovering new bands, and now I couldn’t tell you what’s in the charts if you paid me. But I have Spotify, an iPhone, headphones and a 30-minute commute. I spy an opportunity here!

Doing more to make me happy

What I think I’m realising is I just don’t do enough to make myself happy. My natural tendency is to wallow, fret, stress and worry, around and around I go.

It’s been a year and a half of hard knocks on the fertility front, and I’ve forgotten what it’s like to live normally. It’s almost like I find comfort living in this alert state, as if I’m protecting myself. But I’m doing the opposite – I’m getting myself anxious and depressed (two sides of the same coin). And that ain’t cool, folks.

Keeping this blog massively helps. I’m not sure these posts are useful to anyone else, but hey… feel free to leave a comment or drop me a line if you understand what I’m going through. We can get through it together!

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