All my dreams have come true. I am finally pregnant! So why am I feeling so miserable?
Sure, there’s the hormones, the exhaustion, the bloat. But you’d think I’d be able to see beyond that. You’d think I’d be floating on cloud nine, that nothing could phase me now – that I was sorted.
When I first got pregnant, I was so excited. My husband and I had a day where we chatted about the future, about what we’d need to buy, how our lives would change. We got a load of pregnancy books from the library and pored over them, desperate to discover what was going on inside of me and how I was going to grow this little… thing.
And then the sensible (boring) side of me kicked in. The worrier. It’s early days, don’t get too excited. The chance of miscarriage is really quite high – one in four – and it could be you. Most likely to be you. And yes, I’ve had several wobbles in the last few weeks, convinced my symptoms had disappeared and it was all over before it’d begun.
I’m seven weeks pregnant tomorrow, and there are no signs that anything is ‘wrong’. As I’ve said, I’m hormonal, I’m tired, I’m bloated. We had a six-week scan almost a week ago, and there was a heartbeat! My (.)(.) are still sensitive, my weird itchy foot continues at night and I have felt a tiny bit of nausea. So far, so good.
So why am I so down? Is it worry? Yes, in part. I want to feel more nauseous, as it’s a sign of strong hormones, so where are mine? And work is stressing me out a lot, too. For so long, the target of getting pregnant has been all I’ve focused on, and the maternity leave after. But now I am, the next seven months seems like a prison stretch. I find work so emotionally draining – it’s so busy, it’s so stressful, it’s constant.
The thought of a) what I have going on ahead of me in work in the next few months is getting me down. And b) the thought of having to go back to work after a year ‘off’ is already playing on my mind. I’m scared I won’t cope with a baby and the high demands of my job. I’m not prepared to log in at 6am (like I did yesterday, Saturday morning) to do a bit extra, to prepare me for the week ahead. But what if I need to?
I just wish I could give up work, have some months off to do things for me, and enjoy this early part of my pregnancy. But that’s just pointless thinking, isn’t it? I am in a hugely fortunate position of working for a company that pays six months’ full maternity pay. In seven months’ time (hopefully), I can say ‘piss off work’ (in my mind!). That’s really not a long time to wait. And I can go back (hopefully) four days a week. Plus, I have the 2022 Plan.
So, what can I do to get myself out of this rut? I am out of work for 11 days around Easter – that’s in five weeks – that’s the short-term goal. By that point (hopefully) I’ll be 12 weeks pregnant, and can hopefully tell people at work! It’ll start to feel more real by then, I think.
The next thing: sort out a summer holiday – like, a luxurious one. We’ve both already booked a week off work at the end of June to go somewhere warm and relaxing, so we can do that today – what’s stopping us?
We also have a list of tasks to do around the house in preparation for the baby, so it would be good to write that down. This includes: replacing the boiler, bathroom, kitchen, insulating the floorboards downstairs, painting the upstairs’ bedrooms and clearing out the shed. Getting the wheels in motion for that will be exciting – we hope to do the building work over the summer.
I suppose, in hindsight, what’s getting me down is the feeling of being stuck in limbo. I’m at seven weeks (almost) and 12 weeks seems like an eternity. Am I still pregnant, am I not? Can I get excited, or can I not? Perhaps another thing to do is just sod it and book another viability scan. It’s £90 – a lot of money – but maybe we just need some reassurance it’s going to be OK.
So I have a plan – this is key to when you’re feeling a bit rubbish. Always ask the question: what can I do about it? For me, I can:
- Remind myself that there’s no point in worrying about what might or might not happen in the future (easier said than done) – for now, all is fine
- Remind myself at work that in seven months, I’ll be outta there. Also, remind myself that to be worrying about going back to work at this early stage (over a year and a half in advance) is bonkers
- Remind myself I’m off work for 11 days in five weeks!
- Book a summer holiday
- Write a list of house Things to Do, and a schedule – get some quotes
- Book a scan for a couple of weeks.